Do happy couples really fight? You bet they do! In fact, while it may sound counter intuitive, fighting can actually be healthy for your relationship. However, that only applies when you go about it in a certain way. In the same way that eating habits can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on what you eat and how much, fighting can be healthy in a relationship, depending on how often you fight, and the way you treat each other while you’re working through the issue that made you angry.
People disagree. That’s perfectly normal. And when you feel strongly about something, it can get heated. But respectful arguments are totally possible between hurt or angry people as long as they’re still willing to listen to each other. As soon as your treatment of your spouse (or their treatment of you) becomes abusive, the fight isn’t healthy. So how can you tell the difference? Let’s break it down…
Differences between healthy and unhealthy fighting:
You know it’s a healthy fight when:
- The person in the wrong owns their mistake and is willing to apologize,
- It’s less important that you “win” and more important that you resolve the issue,
- Neither of you resorts to name calling and belittling remarks
- You don’t dredge up the past, and nobody throws past mistakes in anyone else’s face as a way of deflecting from the issue at hand
- It only happens once in a while
You know it’s an unhealthy fight when:
- Either of you resorts to breaking items in your home as a way to vent anger
- Violence of any kind is involved, including pushing, hitting, slapping, kicking, etc…
- Threats of harm are made, even if no one intends to carry them out
- Vebal abuse is used, including name calling, cruel words, and shaming
- It happens daily, or several times per week
The point of a healthy fight is to solve a problem.
Fights happen when people disagree about things they feel strongly about. But the goal here is to solve the problem so you can move past it and continue growing together. That means, if your arguments are going to be productive, they need to be conducted in a certain way. So no complaining without proposing a solution, no snide remarks so you can get a quick jab in, and stick to the matter at hand.
Another important factor is what you say and how you say it. Avoid accusatory language, and be sure to apologize if you’ve said or done anything your partner found hurtful, even if it was completely unintended. Explain what you feel and why, and then listen respectfully when your partner does the same. This way you can work towards solving your problem with the minimum amount of collateral damage along the way.
If your fighting is unhealthy and you need to get out
In a perfect world, everyone would be able to solve their challenges without anyone getting hurt or upset. But this isn’t a perfect world, and people getting caught in the crossfire is a common, if heartbreaking, part of life. So if your spouse is cruel, manipulative, or violent, and you need to get out of this marriage for your own safety and sanity, we can help you.
Here at The Kronzek Firm we’ve successfully navigated many high conflict divorces, and helped many people reach viable agreements in their divorces while ensuring that they’re safe, their rights are protected, and their best interests are kept at the forefront. If you need assistance navigating your divorce, call 866 766 5245 and talk to one of our skilled and experienced family law attorneys today. We’re available 24/7 to help.