Welcome back and thanks for joining us for this series on how to save your marriage after one spouse has an affair. If you’re just finding this discussion now, we recommend you spend a few minutes getting caught up on the parts addressing trust and transparency. Moving on, we’re going to look at another critical part of the healing process – addressing the past.
Confronting the affair itself is like walking among landmines…
One of the hardest things a couple does in the wake of an affair, is actually address the affair itself. It’s a very hard conversation to have, and if mishandled, can lead down some very painful paths. So when walking on this rather shaky ground together, there are a few things you need to consider before you “go there!”
Before we start though, it’s important to point out that every couple handles it differently. There isn’t a “right way” you need to adhere to, in order to confront what happened. However there are some “not-so right” ways that you would do well to avoid!
Does your spouse want to discuss it, or not? Maybe not…
There are spouses who, after their partner has cheated and they’re hoping to save the relationship, don’t want to talk about the affair. If you’re both unwilling to talk about the details involved, then this is fine. In many instances, the less you know the better. And as long as you’re willing to discuss everything else that needs addressing outside of the details of the affair itself, then this won’t be a problem.
But for those who DO want to talk about it…..
If you’re the one who cheated, then difficult as it may be to share things about your affair with your spouse, you will need to do it anyway. As long as they aren’t asking you unnecessary information, like graphic details about your sexual encounters, then you need to be willing to talk about it.
Try to be patient and understanding when your spouse asks you about it. Don’t get angry, or defensive, or try to change the subject. Remember, this is hard for them too, possibly even harder than it is for you. Also, remember that in rebuilding trust, you’ll need to make every effort to not keep secrets from them. So refusing to talk about it will only fuel their suspicions.
Rehashing the past over and over won’t help you heal.
However, if you’re the one who was cheated on, then one of the first things you need to promise yourself is that you’ll be careful what questions you ask. Don’t question your spouse about the lurid details of their affair – this won’t help your marriage heal. What it will do is fuel your insecurities and give you mental pictures that you don’t need to see. Don’t torture yourself in the name of curiosity – once you know something you can’t unknow it later.
This is the most important part though: at some point soon, when you’ve addressed what needs to be discussed, you need to put this subject aside. For proper healing, you’re both going to need to make a commitment to never speak of it again. That means not bringing it up during fights, and not making references to it in conversation when you’re feeling angry or hurt about something unrelated. You can’t hang it over your spouse’s head every time they upset you. In order to move on, you’re going to have to put it behind you and not bring it up at all. Ever.
Saving a marriage after an affair is challenging, but possible!
That’s no exaggeration – saving a marriage after one spouse is unfaithful requires a monumental commitment. And in some cases, no amount of commitment and hard work is going to make any difference, because there is simply no way to recover. All some couples can do is pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and go their separate ways.
If that sound like your situation, call The Kronzek Firm at 866 766 5245. Our skilled family law attorneys have helped countless Michigan couples work through their divorces over the years. We know how challenging and emotional a divorce can be in the wake of an affair, and we’re committed to providing our clients with the best representation, to ensure that they’re properly protected for their futures!