A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: Surviving Marriage to a Narcissist (Pt 2)

In her book about marriage to a narcissist, Jen Waite perfectly captures the cycle of abuse experienced by victims of narcissists.

Welcome back and thanks for joining us. We’ve been talking about narcissists and how surviving a marriage to one is almost like surviving a war. It can leave you shell shocked and traumatized, needing years of recovery time to get over the emotional and psychological abuse. In the previous article we shared a book with you that we recommend you read, simply because it provides a very clear and painfully raw example of exactly what this looks like from the inside.

A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal by Jen Waite tracks the story of young Jen, who met and fell in love with narcissistic Marco, who went on to use her to get a green card (he was an illegal immigrant) and cleaned out her saving account to open a restaurant. It wasn’t until after their daughter was born that she found an email from a realtor about apartments that Marco had been to look at with his girlfriend, that Waite realized something might be wrong with her perfect fantasy.

In retrospect, there had been red flags she’d dismissed along the way

Waite points out in her book that there had been red flags early on in the relationship (albeit small ones) that she completely missed. Why? Because when you’re living in the perfect fairy tail it’s hard to see the cracks in the facade. And when you do see them, it’s for just a moment, and you question whether you perhaps imagined it after all. But questioning your sanity and doubting yourself is all part of the narcissists plan.

For Waite it was the fact that whenever she confronted her husband about poor choices and questionable behavior on his part, he played the victim. Nothing was ever his fault. He never apologised for his bad behavior, he simply turned it around on her. Going to look at apartments with another woman from work was him helping her out. Being emotionally distant was the result of exhaustion from working so hard to give his family a good life. Hugging another woman at work was because he was comforting her while she cried.

Keep your eyes open during those early, “magical” days

It sounds terrible to suggest that you should be cynical about a budding relationship, but deluding yourself only means you’re being set up for years of pain and misery. Darlene Lancer, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, says that there are five signs to watch for when dating someone new. If they’re a narcissist, then you will likely see evidence of the following: arrogance, self-centeredness, entitlement, the need for admiration from others, and the desire to be in control.

No matter how loving and kind and thoughtful someone seems to be, or how incredible the sex is (which is actually another tool that narcissists use against their victims) don’t allow yourself to be swept up in a lie. If your partner is “your soulmate” in every way, except for those moments when they make you feel like a repulsive burden, then you may be in love with a narcissist.

Protect yourself, and your future, from a manipulator!

At The Kronzek Firm, our experienced family law attorneys have helped hundreds of people to get out of emotionally abusive marriages with their finances intact. We understand the challenges you’re up against, and we know just how difficult this is going to be. (No jokes – this is going to be really hard!) BUt you can do it, and we’re here to help. So call us at 866 766 5245. We’re available 24/7 and will work fiercely to help you escape this mess and go on to a better future.