Thank you for joining us for the last and final installment in this four part series on why affair partners don’t often make good martial partners. If you haven’t read the first three articles in the series, we encourage you to look them over before reading this one. Otherwise, let’s jump right in where we left off last time!
“If you align your expectations with reality you will never be disappointed.” – Terrell Owens
We’ve all done it – gone to see a movie after being told that it’s going to be the most amazing thing you’ll see all year, only to sit through it and come away disappointed. Not because it was a bad film, or because it wasn’t enjoyable, but simply because you expected it to be AMAZING and instead, it was only pretty good. “Pretty good”, when your expectations have prepared you for so much more, is a major let down.
Such is so often the case with relationships. If the affair has fulfilled your desires in the excitement and thrill departments, and you expect the magic ride to continue when you and your affair partner finally say “I do”, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. All relationships have to function in reality, at least for part of the time. Which means that you and your new life partner can no longer exist in an insulated fantasy world free from responsibilities and the requirements of daily life. Expecting anything else is an exercise in futility.
“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.” – Chuck Palahniuk
Divorce is tough. It costs a lot of money and takes a very serious toll on your emotions and physical health. So for those who have just experienced a divorce in order to be with their affair partner, the cost was high. If the divorce was a brutal one, then the cost was even higher than usual. However, if your affair partner was single to begin with, or perhaps had to get divorced but didn’t have children and therefore had no vicious custody entanglements to battle with, there is an immediate disparity in who sacrificed more for the new relationship.
This may not seem like an issue in the beginning, but as time grinds on, and the excitement wears away, you may find that you harbor some resentment at how little they had to give up in order to have this relationship in the first place. They expended less effort, paid a much smaller price, and suddenly what you gave up seems like so much more…
“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” – Charles Spurgeon
You may think that you only lied to your ex about the affair (after all, you could hardly tell the truth – spouses can be so prickly about that sort of thing!), but the reality is that you probably lied to a lot of people, starting with yourself. For example, if you told yourself that it didn’t mean anything, or that it was beyond your control, or that it was destiny and that you were meant to be together, then you’ve lied to yourself.
Additionally, you probably lied to your affair partner about your spouse’s role in the failure of your marriage by making it all their fault and not yours. And then there’s the fact that you most likely presented yourself in a very flattering light, being careful to omit anything that would make you seem less desirable. Oh, and the fact that you probably had to lie to friends and maybe other family members about where you were while you were with your affair partner. All in all, it’s a lot of lies, and a relationship founded on lies is not usually a stable one!
All things said and done, there is probably a very good reason for why statistics point to a high failure rate among people who marry their affair partners. However, the heart wants what it wants. So if this four part series didn’t convince you to be cautious when pursuing your affair partner after your divorce, we would like to remind you that a prenuptial agreement is a very good idea. We understand it may seem pointless now, while you are high on love and freedom. But as you already know, not everything works out the way we hope it will.
When you decide what is best for you, here are here to help. Whether it’s a divorce, a prenup, a concern about custody, alimony or even paternity, the skilled attorneys at The Kronzek Firm are available to discuss your case at all times, day or night, including on weekends and holidays. We have spent decades helping mid-Michigan families. We can help you too.