One of the greatest obstacles to being successful in relationships after a divorce – whether it’s another marriage or simply a monogamous, long term commitment to another person – is clinging to blame. People who play the blame game after their marriages end are far more likely to have future relationships fail as well. So if you want success in your future romantic partnerships, you are going to need to master one very important thing – learning to let go!
Here are a few things to consider. When someone does you wrong – hurts your feelings with unkind words, is dismissive of you, is deceitful and lies to you – you sustain an emotional and psychological wound. That’s perfectly normal, and it happens to everyone. You can’t see it, but it’s there -festering and spreading slowing. And like cancer, if you don’t cut it out relatively quickly and allow the wound to heal, it will spread and infect other parts of your life.
Letting go of blame will help you both physically and emotionally!
You can’t control other people, so you can’t do anything to ensure that they don’t say or do hurtful things to you. But what you can control is how you respond. Being upset or angry when someone hurts you is normal. But allowing your anger and negativity about that person to build up and become the only response you are capable of every time you are with them, or even just thinking about them, is very unhealthy. And it’s a surefire way to ruin future relationships as well.
That may not sound like it makes any sense, after all, how can being mad at your ex for their many faults and failings have anything to do with your new partner. But it does though, and often in more ways than you realize and to a greater extent than you ever imagined.
Holding onto blame means holding onto stress, which is toxic!
In a general sense, carrying anger and a lack of forgiveness around with you adds stress to your life and increases your chances for future illness and general poor health, which can impact your future relationships.
But in a very direct and personal way, carrying the burden of blame into the next relationship is very damaging because quite simply, the lack of forgiveness doesn’t allow you to move on. If a sizable portion of your heart is dedicated to sustaining that grudge and feeding the acid fires of bitterness after your divorce, then that same part of your heart is not available to love your new partner.
Forgiving your ex and moving on means a better future for you!
Added to that, focusing on blaming your ex for the failure of your marriage tends to provide a fertile breeding ground for the “victim mentality” which can undermine personal responsibility. In other words, when you focus all your attention on what they did wrong instead of acknowledging that both of you may have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage (in one form of another) and choosing to forgive and move on, you will end up throwing yourself a pity party. Do it often enough and it becomes your state of mind.
So while it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, you need to work on letting go after your divorce. Focusing on forgiving, choosing not to carry a grudge, allowing yourself to experience pain and loss, and then moving on. Your future self, and your future partner, will thank you! And if you need help with your divorce itself, don’t forget to call The Kronzek Firm at 866 766 5245 and talk with one of our compassionate and hard working divorce attorneys!