Virtual Affairs: Are They Even Real? (Part 1)

Is a virtual affair real…. or only virtually real, and therefore not actually real at all?


The word “virtual” tends to imply “almost, but not quite.” As in virtual reality, which isn’t reality, it just looks like it. So that begs the question, is a virtual affair the same thing as a real affair? And should it be handled in the same way as an actual affair?


Many people justify their online affairs by claiming that because the relationship isn’t happening in “real life,” and the sex is only a “virtual reality” relationship. Therefore, it doesn’t count and shouldn’t have a negative impact on their marriage. However, the spouses who are on the sidelines of these almost-but-not-quite relationships don’t usually feel that way. Which is why so many virtual affairs result in real, actual divorces.


The term “Internet Affair” has become so common, that it is now a recognized term on it’s own. The operational definition is essentially any intimate or sexually explicit communication taking place online between a married or otherwise committed person, and someone other than their spouse or significant other. Statistics reveal that adultery and infidelity is becoming more common in today’s society, and that includes virtual infidelity and internet adultery as well.


According to research that has been conducted on the driving motivators behind online affairs, the reasons aren’t quite as straightforward as they might seem. While the majority of people assume that it’s the sexual gratification that drives people to return again and again to their online partner, studies have shown that this is only part of the issue.


There are other, more visceral, reasons as well…


Engaging in online sexual encounters has been shown to provide those participating, with a type of “high”, which is very addictive, and which provides the user with a pleasurable escape. This could be similar to the rush people experience when taking an adventurous risk like skydiving or zip lining. This sensation then serves to reinforce the behavior, which in turn leads to more compulsivity.


So while there are those who disagree with the theory that virtual affairs are real enough to do damage to a marriage, the majority of the mental health community has agreed that they are indeed real and damaging. The fact that they are usually kept hidden from one’s partner, which involves deceit, is a good sign that the affair is not harmless.


According to a number of marriage counsellors, virtual affairs are the equivalent of emotional and psychological affairs. They come with all the same intensity, excitement and raw emotion that new relationships offer, but without any of the potential downsides that actual reality offers. Which is what could make them even more dangerous than most people would think.


According to Brandy Thompson, a family law attorney, the extent to which an affair may come into play during a divorce, for purposes of property division, spousal support and even custody is up to the discretion of the judge. “While some judge may not feel that an “internet affair” is as serious as a real physical relationship, I have personally seen judges hold parties accountable for an emotional affair in the same manner as a physical affair.”


Join us next time, when we will be looking at different perspectives on what constitutes “unfaithfulness,” what different professionals have to say about the potential dangers, (or harmlessness) of virtual affairs, and why so many virtual affairs land people in divorce court. Until then, if you and your spouse have decided that it’s time to move on, contact The Kronzek Firm’s highly skilled and experienced divorce attorneys. We can be reached at 866 766 5245, 24 hours a day 7 days a week.