Why Can’t Anyone Else See That my Spouse is an Abusive Narcissist?

There’s hardly a single person we meet, who’s married to a narcissist, that doesn’t end up asking this question at some point or another. After all, it’s hard not to wonder why you seem to be the only person who can see the truth about your abusive marriage. But that’s the point – narcissists are very, very good at being charming and funny and likable when they need to be. 

A close up of a woman's face, as she holds a finger to her lips to signify that she has a secret.

They can fool most people into believing that they’re regular human beings just like everyone else, and not manipulative abusers. Chances are, almost no one else is going to see what you see. So how do you get others to believe you? How do you show the world the truth? Can you even tell the truth from the lies anymore?

This type of abusive treatment is insidious and often goes unseen…

Narcissists use manipulation and thought control as a way to dominate and abuse their victims. Over time they erode your self confidence, and intentionally cause you to question yourself and your memories. They undermine your ability to tell reality apart from fantasy, which leaves you confused and makes it very hard to make simple decisions and stick to them. In the end, this makes it very hard to leave a narcissist.

We’ve heard of all kinds of mind games from our clients who, over the course of their marriages to narcissists, have reached a point where they struggle to tell what’s fact and what’s fiction. It may sound unbelievable to someone who’s never been in this type of abusive relationship, but the little things they do to gaslight and undermine their partners would blow your mind.

  • Frequently changing the setting on the toaster, and then acting as if they had nothing to do with it – “You probably did it and forgot about it!”
  • Asking their partners to pick up something specific at the store for them, and then claiming they had asked for something different after the item is bought – “No, I specifically asked for AA batteries, not AAA batteries. You never listen!”
  • Blatantly lie about having said or done something, and then accuse their partner of lying of misremembering instead – “I never said that! You must be crazy. You’re always making stuff up!”

Victims of narcissistic abuse are often afraid to tell others…

It seems strange to someone who’s never been the victim of gaslighting, but when you’ve repeatedly been lied to and made to question your own memories, speaking up becomes very scary. You’re not sure if what you remember is actually true. After all, you’ve been accused of misremembering and mixing up information for so long. How do you even know what’s true and what isn’t anymore? Maybe it really is all in your head…

Except it isn’t! That’s what the narcissist wants you to believe, because if they can keep you constantly off kilter and unsure about yourself, then you’re far less likely to leave them. And if you ever do decide to end the relationship, chances are you won’t go through with it because they’ve become so good at reminding you that your decisions are inferior, and your reasons are poorly thought out.

You can get out, you just need the right help!

Victims of gaslighting need help to end their abusive marriages. They need insight from a professional therapist who can help them see that they are not mentally unbalanced. They need a good support network of loved ones who can help them stay strong in the face of ongoing abuse. And they need a divorce lawyer who understands exactly what they’re up against, and knows how to handle a narcissistic abuser.

Here at The Kronzek Firm, our skilled and experienced divorce attorneys have successfully handled countless divorces over the years, and have gone toe-to-toe with a great many narcissists. We know exactly what tactics they use when trying to control their victims, and how deliberately dishonest they can be in their dealings. If you’re trying to divorce an abusive narcissist, call 517 886 1000 right now and get help from the attorneys who can help you get free and move on.