Yes, we know, it isn’t what you wanted to hear. Because you’re in love, and it’s all magic, and this time it’s going to last forever. Except it isn’t, not if you believe the statistics. And you should, because in this case (marrying your affair partner, that is) it really doesn’t look good. In fact, as we pointed out in the intro article, over 75% of the marriages that began as affairs, don’t survive past the five year mark. Which means that if you’re looking to tie the knot with your secret beloved, it’s probably not going to last. Sorry.
So why do affair-partner marriages crash and burn?
Oh, where do we begin? Could it be because the person you just married is a cheater? (Unless of course they didn’t know you were married..?) And as you know, the leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. Or perhaps it’s because you can’t sustain a relationship on nothing but good sex. (And many people have tried!) Or perhaps it’s because many of your friends will probably ditch you, and you’ll end up with no one to hang out with except your affair partner. Which is one more reason why marrying them is a bad idea. Let’s look at another couple of great reasons why…
You’re going to have to live with the guilt and shame
You can deny it all you want, but being a cheater isn’t a good thing, even if you think you have a good reason. You may feel nothing but passion and desire right now, but over time (especially as your friends and loved ones start treating you like a social leper) you will probably start to feel guilty about what you’ve done. Maybe your kids will treat you like dirt. Maybe your boss will look down on you. Whatever it is, you’ll probably start to feel ashamed. And that changes everything.
Once shame and guilt creep in, they open the door for that final death blow – resentment. And like it or not, resentment changes the way you see your partner. Over time, they can become the focus of your bitterness. If it hadn’t been for them you wouldn’t have lost your family. You wouldn’t have made such a stupid choice and divorced your ex. Your kids wouldn’t hate you. And now it’s all crashing and burning in a spectacular display of rancor and animosity…
Your shared history is pretty one dimensional
One of the things that creates strong bonds in a relationship over time is shared history. That amazing restaurant you stopped at on a whim while driving down to Texas on vacation. The time your daughter’s cheer team won the championships. The hilarious story about that one time Bob drank too much tequila and ended up with a lampshade… nevermind about that. But it makes you laugh every time you think about it, right?
When the only shared history you have is sneaking around and getting it on behind your spouse’s back, it doesn’t make for a rich relationship tapestry. And once you get married, you’ll discover that the relationship you built with this person was based on a single thing – sex (which can be really fun, but it makes for a really one dimensional foundation). Over time, that usually isn’t enough to sustain a healthy marriage. And so…divorce.
Divorce, regardless of why it happens, is hard for everyone involved
Join us next time as we wrap up this series on affair partners up. Until then, if your marriage is falling apart and you need help figuring out what your future’s going to look like after the divorce, call us at 866 766 5245. The skilled family law attorneys at the Kronzek Firm have helped countless people in mid-Michigan through their divorces. We can help you too.